Friday, February 11, 2011

45 - Lonely, Married and Dating

This blog is being written, because I needed to find a thing called PEACE.  My Peace from within.

I needed to start living again.  And what you are about to read might be poignant, and RAW, you might find yourself judgmental, however, it’s my journey from the Summer of 2010.  All names have been changed, to protect identities.  I have been given permission by all of the gentlemen I have had the pleasure to meet.  And I must say - - -I don’t have ONE regret - - -not one.  

I am 45 years old.  I’m married to a husband with brain damage, and 2 kids with ADHD.

I have been married for 24 years.  For the past 10 to 15 years, I have not been “touched”, passionately kissed, physically loved, or even remotely felt beautiful, by the man I said – “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, until death do we part”. . .  

When I married at age 21, NO ONE – told me how lonely marriage can be.  NO ONE.

I am otherwise known as STUCK.

I am Married, and terribly lonely.  I can’t be the only one that feels this way - I just can’t?  Am I?  

I cried.  I so cried all the time.  I cried myself to sleep at night, when once again, my husband of 24 years, refused to touch me or worse yet, pushed me away.   I cried in the shower – begging to GOD - Asking. . . “Is this all my life has to offer”?  Cause if it is, I can’t go on this way, much longer.   “Please GOD, please, let me know what to do”.

You see, when you ask your educationally “brilliant” husband – who obviously finds his computer sexier than you, to - - -“please pay me some attention, please hug me, are we ever going to have sex again”?   and he turns around from his ever important computer and says “Shut the fuck up, and quit your bitching” - - -I right, then and there, decided to NEVER – EVER ask him for attention of any kind again.   That hurt – it hurt so deep – that forever – my love life has been damaged, I knew that I was never going to be number 1 on his list, ever again.

On January 6th, 2010  - (my birthday) -  I wondered - - -what was I going to do to keep busy now?   I have already done the culinary school thing, I don’t teach cooking classes any more.   I don’t want to continue on with nursing school, and become a P.A.   My kids are teenagers, and are wanting me around less and less, and quite frankly, after I broke my wrist in Hilton Head a few years back, my tennis game has “gone to shit”.    Since I can’t afford more “education” at this time, I asked myself - - -“Self?  What am I going to do this summer”?  

My Grandfather taught me how to golf when I was 13 years old.  I remembered how peaceful the golf courses were, and how much fun it was.  I pulled out my sticks, wiped them down, went to the driving range and was “hooked”on golf, once again - - -even though I am really bad  - otherwise knows as a “hack” - - --I so want to be a better golfer.  I so want to be a better person.  I really want to begin to LIVE again.  Really LIVE, really feel, really experience, what LIFE has to offer me.

My days of curling up on the bathroom floor, sulking in bed, and feeling sorry for myself, asking GOD – “WHY”?  -are over - - - -If I’m going to live damn it - - -I’m going to really LIVE - - - -Watch out World - - -Here I come  - - no more being invisible - - No more – not going noticed - - -I have turned into Girls Gone Wild? Yes, maybe I have ,– but  - But I want it all.   The good, the bad, and the ugly - - -I want it all.  I REALLY WANT TO LIVE.  

There is much more to come. . . . .stay tuned.